Hi, my name is Leonard and I work with Darian. He told me last week I’d be famous if I kept a log of my day and allowed him to post it on his stupid website. I’m not sure I understand why I would do this, but I do like to keep people in the know about some obvious facts they may have missed. It’s important to me that people stay as informed as I am about super important topics.
Hi! I’m Leonard. Do you want to discuss fracking? Because I do!
5 AM – 6:28 AM: Just got out of bed, showered and had a slight panic attack. I couldn’t find my denim jacket. Thankfully, it was where I left it, covering the entrance of the huge hole under my house where I decided to put in a basement, 20 years after the house was built. The whole process has been frought with hardships. Many of those hardships I was fortunately able to document in photos that I sent to Darian in email. He never replied to ask me about them. Sometimes I think he doesn’t want to talk about the type of concrete I poured, the amount of dirt I shoveled by hand and large machinery and my wood burning stove. I know that’s just me being silly, because why wouldn’t someone want to talk about it? Regardless, I always make sure to mention it to him first thing in the morning while his mind is still fresh. I want him to be able to take in the scope of what I am doing on every aspect of this project. After donning my jacket, I am out the door, lickety spit, for work!
7 AM: I arrived at work at 7. My official start time is at 8, but I like to be here when Darian gets here. One reason is I know he is always late and I want him to see how a good employee operates. The other reason is I know he really likes talking to people first thing in the morning. Every day when I start talking as soon as his foot crosses the threshhold of the office, I hear him say “Oh God” and I can only assume he is calling out in praise, thanking our Lord for allowing him another chance to talk to me. There are two light switches in our room, one set of lights is brighter than the other. Idealy, I would have every light on in the room, with additional 1000 watt LED lanterns, but Darian always shuts off all the lights. If it’s dark out, he will only turn on the dimmest of lights. He has mentioned before that the brighter set of lights causes him a migraine as they shine right in his eyes when he is sitting at his desk, but I don’t believe him. Bright lights: On.
7:45 AM: Darian arrives to work, a prompt 15 minutes late. I have spent the last 45 minutes compiling a list of grievances comprised of everything in the department that is wrong. Most of these are things I could easily take care of myself, but since he is technically my boss, I like him to know his leadership is what is wrong with this country. My favorite thing to do is to drop a pile of issues in his lap and walk away. This morning was different; prior to that I went into great detail about how the new restaurant in my area brought me sweet potato fries instead of regular fries. I was shocked by how much of a story there was to tell, but I really mined it for all the gold nuggets within and I could tell he really enjoyed it.
8:30 AM: Darian complained of a migraine and looks like he might puke. I know a lot about migraines, so I do my best to inform him. Did you know there are several types of migraines, as well as several other types of headaches that get mistaken for migraines? There are, at my last google search while Darian had his head down on his desk: cluster migraines, ocular migraines, sinus headaches, tension headaches, hemicrania continua headaches and status migrainosus. That’s a lot of headaches! How could Darian treat his headache if he doesn’t know what kind it is? I told him all about it, but he didn’t reply. I was afraid he didn’t hear me so I said it much louder and started playing videos of various doctors talking about it on youtube at twice the volume it would take to entertain 39 small children. I also farted several times. Not to be funny or ironic, but because that is what I do.
8:38 AM: Darian shut off the over head light and left the room. I have answered my phone three times already this morning and my phone smells weird. I can’t be certain, but I think he’s doing something to the part I speak in to every day. While he’s gone, I notice that my desk once again seems as if it’s more cramped. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he was moving it every few days.
9:07 AM: Darian returns. He still looks like he is in pain but he is communicating. I announce loudly that I am going to make a pot of coffee and share with hm a wonderful song I made up on the spot about making coffee. “Making coffee, no one else can; I love coffee, I’m a real man”. I’m the best songwriter I know. I write songs in my head all the time. I sing them as I make them up because everyone enjoys them so much. He left again with a stack of work orders in his hand.
1106 AM: I just read an interesting article about how a salt mine is releasing methane gas in Louisiana and it may collapse, destroying the southern half of our country. I can’t wait to tell Darian, I bet he thinks this is really important. Of course, I’ll have to step him through how this happened and propose an evacuation plan should this occur.
11:48 AM: Darian returns to grab his coat so he can go get lunch. I watch as his cell phone rings and rings, and his desk phone rings and rings, and various people stop in to see him while he is trying to leave. Now seems like the perfect time to discuss fraking. I love to talk about fracking. And HAARP. But today, I want to tell him about fracking.
Hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking”, is the process of drilling and injecting fluid into the ground at a high pressure in order to fracture shale rocks to release natural gas inside.
There are more than 500,000 active natural gas wells in the US.Each gas well requires an average of 400 tanker trucks to carry water and supplies to and from the site. It takes 1-8 million gallons of water to complete each fracturing job.The water brought in is mixed with sand and chemicals to create fracking fluid. Approximately 40,000 gallons of chemicals are used per fracturing. That’s a lot of chemicals! I could go on and on, I did with Darian. I just don’t want to type it all out. But I bet you’re curious now, right?
1:15 – 1:52 PM: Darian returns with his lunch. I’m not allowed to watch TV at home so I spent my lunch watching old Charlie Chaplin movies on youtube. Oh, how I laugh. Once the one I was watching finished up, I found some calming music to play for Darian, loudly. I could wear headphones, but I think he enjoys letting me pick out his entertainment for him. Yesterday it was Middle Eastern chants, but today it’s something really special. African Tribal drum patterns. Man, those guys beat the heck out of some drums.
2:07 PM: Darian seems to be intensely concentrating on something while taking multiple phone calls. I take this time to invite a few janitors in and discuss the current state of our employer. We make some uproarious jokes and everyone has a good time. Except for Darian. He just keeps looking at me and muttering. I tried to explain that sometimes there are pacific problems I have to deal with, and also how much I would like to see the Specific Ocean one day. I went on to tell him about a bad cable drop. I told him “if I only had a set of dykes, I could really whack this thing off”. He just laughed at me. I don’t know what I said, but lots of times I am so witty even I don’t realize it. Just the other day I saw a guy up in a ladder. I yelled up at him “How’s the weather up there?” And we laughed.
2:58 PM: Darian left again to go do something. I don’t know what he does. I assume he is off somewhere being a bad employee. That’s what bad employees do. I go back to youtube to look up videos on HAARP. Oh darn, I forgot to tell him about the Methane Salt Mine conspiracy.
3:30 PM: It is the end of my shift. No matter what I am doing, I walk out at exactly the same time everyday. I’ll usually leave by saying something witty like “I guess we’ll do it again tomorrow”, but since Darian isn’t here right now, I turn on all the lights and walk out. This was fun, I may start doing this everyday.